Friday, January 11, 2008

CSI Seminary

Crouched low to the ground with camera poised inches above the beak of a deceased hawk, Financial Aid Director and Special Counsel to the Scene of Crime Department Eugene "Peterson" Trofimenko snapped a photo and asked onlookers for a little room to maneuver.
"It appears to have suffered a fatal traumatic blow to the cranial region causing an instant disruption of the spinal cord."
In layman's terms the Cooper's hawk flew full speed into a picture window and broke it's neck.
Verifying the disturbing results, fellow Special Counsel to the Scene of Crime Department of the MBBS Birding Department, Kevin Enns-Rempel added that such a demise finds many Cooper's hawks.
"They are known for their agility and speed of flight," Enns-Rempel explained to the press. "It's not uncommon for them to fly into picture windows at high speeds, occasionally as high as 100 miles per hour. Cooper's hawks can fly through trees and brush at full speed and not touch a branch or leaf.
"This particular hawk appears to be an adult female, based upon the wingspan, who had recently caught and partially devoured one of it's favorite prey: a pigeon."
The tragedy hits members of Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary hard. As peace-loving Anabaptist's, the Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary community loves birds -- even birds of prey.
"I suppose that even our Master of Divinity students can take some time away from their studies today for a moment of silence in honor of the fallen flying friend," added Trofimenko.

4 comments:

The Pipeline said...

Can't we hold a service for it? Maybe like what Pam did for the bird in Scranton? A little box. Some singing?? I think it would be comforting for everyone.

Unknown said...

I agree. Then we can set it on fire and blow it out with a fire extinguisher. Sounds comforting AND fun.

Laura Thiessen said...

I don't think we have a choice in the matter. I read the hawk's will and she said she wanted a candlelight service, with Andy singing "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder", and a fruit and veggie platter. She also left all of her earthly possessions to Karl!

Andy Johnson said...

I thought the last will and testament asked to be dumped unceremoniously into the dumpster out back. We could, however, create a likeness out of colorful paper and proceed with the service.
I need closure.